ready to fall (can't do it alone)
by laramaximoff
Summary: "She was stunned. She was not expecting this to occur, especially during the Clone Wars. Between her duties and her husband constantly away, they have barely had time to be with each other." OR: Padmé deals with her pregnancy during the final days of the Old Republic, and it changes her for better or for worse. [Canon Divergence]


**A/N: **Padmé Amidala is my favorite Star Wars character, ever since I was little. Every time I watch her die or screen or think about her death, I cry. I love her so much. She deserves so much more. I know a lot of people do not like how she was written in Revenge of the Sith so, after conversing with a friend, I decided to write this. I don't think I changed the plot too much, but I made it more susceptible to pregnancy and the affects it has on expecting mothers (and fathers).

Postpartum is a serious issue. If you or someone you know is suffering from this, please get help.

* * *

When she discovered that she was expecting, many emotions coursed through Padmé Amidala. First, she was stunned. She was not expecting this to occur, especially during the Clone Wars. Between her duties and her husband constantly away, they have barely had time to be with each other. They've hardly had time to _ plan _ with each other.

Growing up, Padmé taught that pregnancy was a beautiful occurrence. She was taught that she should be celebrating this occasion. She could clearly recall when Sola had her own children. Padmé's two terms as Queen had just ended, and she was joyful for the expansion of her family. Padmé loved Ryoo and Pooja with all her heart. Padmé loved children and had always wanted a family of her own. She had wanted to her mother and her sister had before her.

Sitting here on Coruscant, however, made Padmé reflect on the values she was taught. She was pregnant. Surely, questions would arise. While on Naboo, it would be considered impolite to ask who the father was, it did not mean that people would wonder. Padmé's pregnancy could lead into the galaxy finding out that she is married to Anakin, which was forbidden. How long could they hide something like this? How would Anakin react? They had yet to even speak about starting a family together.

How as Padmé going to break the news to him? To her colleagues? To her family? For the senator, being pregnant was taboo. It was a sign of betrayal to all she was taught.

How was she going to make this work?

* * *

Padmé did not see her husband for weeks, perhaps even a month or two. She found that she had been losing track of time; losing her memory. Since she found out she was expecting, she was violently ill. Her body, mind, and soul were slowly shifting. Each handmaiden was worried for her, but Padmé was able to reassure them. They knew she was expecting, but they had never seen symptoms like this take over someone so much. It scared them and it scared Padmé, who tried her best to hide it.

When she received the news that Chancellor Palpatine was saved and that Anakin was returning to Coruscant, Padmé found that her spirits were lifted, if only a little. While she was still sick and still perturbed, she could not wait to see her husband once more. She felt empty without him. She missed him so much.

When Anakin ran to her, hugging her and spinning her around, Padmé did not object. She loved him too much, and having her in her arms again felt right.

"Oh, Anakin," Padmé breathed. She kissed him before pulling him back into a tight embrace. She never wanted to let him go.

"I've missed you Padmé," Anakin whispered softly into her ear. It was a secret only the two of them could know. Hearing his words made the young senator tear up. Despite always being tender-hearted, Padmé found herself to tearing up more than she usual.

"There were whispers that you've been killed," Padmé informed her husband. When she had this so many days ago, she had become overwhelmed. She had just found out she was expecting, and the next thing she remembers is hearing that her husband had been killed. It had been unbearable. However, the rumors were proved to be wrong. Now, Anakin was back on Coruscant, and Padmé never wanted him to leave her again.

"I'm alright," Anakin reassured her, massaging her neck. He had noticed that his wife had been unusually tense. Come to think of it, Padmé was feeling off balance. Perhaps it was just her relief of him returning? Deep down, Anakin felt that there was more to it.

"It feels like we've been apart for a lifetime," the young Jedi added, staring deep into Padmé's dark brown eyes. _ A beautiful shade of brown, _ he thought.

Anakin went in for another kiss, but Padmé pulled away. She felt a sudden overwhelmingness. For a moment, she thought that she may get sick again, but the nausea passed. However, she was losing focus now. She could hear Anakin speak, something about not caring for deception any longer, and that finally broke her.

"Anakin, don't say things like that," she found herself saying, staring him down softly but sternly. Being secretly married was already a challenge...but the pregnancy...the pregnancy.

Without warning, Padmé pulled Anakin back into her arms. She was shaking by this point, and she knew Anakin could feel her nerves now. He had tensed up, slowly pulling away from her so he could look at her.

"Are you alright? You're trembling," Anakin observed, his hands grasping onto his wife's arms. He could feel the velvet fabric that covered them. He could also sense his wife's anxiety building up. Despite the fact that he had always been able to sense his wife's feelings, she had _ never _ felt like this before. "What's going on?"

Forcing herself to not get ill, Padmé took a deep breath. Here it goes. It was now or never.

"Something wonderful has happened," the young senator began softly, slowly. _ Now or never _, her mind reprised. She took one final deep breath. "Ani...I'm pregnant."

Anakin stared at her, his emotions flickering. She could tell, but she could not decode how he was feeling.

_ Say something, _ Padmé pleaded, feeling frozen yet not grounded in her place. She stared at her husband, wanting him to say something; anything.

"That's...that's wonderful," Anakin managed to stutter out. "That's amazing."

Padmé almost smiled. By the way his eyes lit up, she knew her husband was delighted. However, Padmé knew that in their situation, pregnancy will cause conflict. She knew her husband was aware of this as well.

"What are we going to do?" Padmé questioned.

Anakin, however, was smiling. Each passing second, his smile was brighter and his joy was clear by this point in time. Anakin knew that this milestone in their lives were going to be hard, but right now? He could care less. He was too happy to hear the news.

"We're not going to worry about it right now," he answered. Tentatively, he reached out to caress her cheek. "This is a happy moment. The happiest moment of my life."

Hearing this made Padmé's worries wash away. She began tearing up, relieved that Anakin was happy with the news.

She pushed down any negativity that tried to overcome her, as her husband pulled her in for another kiss and embrace.

_ This is a happy moment._

* * *

Even though Padmé felt much about about her pregnancy and Anakin's thoughts about it, she still worried. Each passing day, her stomach grew round yet taut. As her symptoms came and went, she thought about how they could make their family work.

"I want to have our baby back home on Naboo," Padmé had told her husband one night. "We can go to the lake country where no one will know, where we can be safe."'

The young senator had everything planned out. She knew the perfect spot and everything would be just _ perfect _. Thinking about it had her in pure euphoria.

Not all of her pregnancy was paradise, however. Her planning took longer than expected. Why was that? Padmé never took a long time to plan something. She also found that her mood was easily affected by just the _ slightest _ event. Everyone was worried for her, but she did not let their concerns affect her so easily. She would not allow that to happen.

As much as her husband was elated, he also began to be plagued by nightmares. When Padmé had asked, he would not answer her at first. After coaxing him into telling her, he finally admitted what was bothering him. He was having premonitions about her death. It was similar to what happened with his mother years ago: he had visions of her dying for about a month before it eventually came true. Would this come true for his wife? That was what Anakin was concerned about.

Padmé, however, had other concerns.

"What about the baby?"

Anakin paused. He had almost forgotten about their child that would enter the world.

"I don't know," Anakin admitted.

While this worried Padmé dearly, she tried her best to not let it affect her. It would not be good for her health or for her child.

* * *

Time went on, and Padmé was growing large, almost _ too _ large. Her back was in excruciating pain and she was bloated everywhere. She couldn't help but feel self-conscious about her appearance, but everyone reassured her. Anakin said that she was always beautiful, while others made the comment of her of having a glowing appearance. Colleagues were noticing that her appearance has changed, that she was pregnant, but no one ever made a comment. Padmé was relieved. The less questions the better.

However, as she changed, so did the galaxy. The Clone Wars was never ending, and some delegates were concerned with Chancellor Palpatine's power. She had tried voicing her concerns to Anakin, but he wouldn't hear of it. It also didn't help that he had become more detached from her lately.

_ Did I do something? _Padmé couldn't help but think. She knew that he was busy, spying on Palpatine but...she couldn't help but feel that he was upset with her. Is it because of his nightmares? Did he still believe that she would die in childbirth? Padmé did not know, but she vowed to him that she wouldn't die in childbirth. As a senator, it would be assured that she would have the best health care that can be provided.

"I'm not going to die in childbirth, Ani. I promise you."

* * *

The final days of the Clone Wars were the most stressful days of Padmé's life.

Despite being back on Coruscant, the young senator has rarely seen her husband. He had been busy with Council and with Chancellor Palpatine. Many of the delegates have found that Palpatine was controlling the Council, and Padmé found herself agreeing with them. Palpatine, someone she once trusted, was now falling from his pedestal. He was dismantling the Republic, slowly but surely. He had to be stopped. His power had to be diminished.

As this concern was growing into something bigger, something devastating had happened. Padmé had watched the Jedi Temple be burned from her apartment. She watched in horror, beginning to break down in tears. Her stress, her anxieties, everything was coming down on her. She could not remember a time that was just so..devastating as this.

Padmé's tears were not only for the Republic, but for her husband as well. He had gone to the Temple. What if he had died? He would never get the chance to see their child...it was too heartbreaking to even think.

For hours, the young senator was alone. She was broken. This was all too much. The war, her pregnancy...she wanted it to stop. She needed it to end.

* * *

Despite the efforts of the Delegation of 2,000, democracy was dismantled. The Jedi were slaughtered. Before Anakin had left, he had informed her that the Jedi were trying to dismantle the Republic. Padmé had a hard time believing her husband, but she had yet to doubt Anakin.

Despite having faith in her husband, Padmé was still on edge. Something was wrong; terribly wrong. She had trouble pinpointing the cause and issue, however. She had noticed that her thought process was being horribly affected throughout her pregnancy term, and she was incredibly frustrated.

Despite these frustrations, Padmé refused to let her child grow up in the Empire. It would be over her dead body before that happened.

* * *

Obi-Wan was right. Anakin had betrayed the galaxy. He had betrayed _ her. _

She was heartbroken.

* * *

Giving birth was one of the hardest things Padmé had to do. It was more difficult when she remembered that Anakin wasn't with her.

Padmé barely remembered what happened on Mustafar. All she could recall was her pleading with her husband to run away with her, the feeling of absolute heartbreak, and becoming unconscious. After that, she woke up in a bright yet dull room and in labour.

_ It's too early _ , Padmé cried out in her head. _ Ani's not here. _

Padmé delivered two children. All that time ago, where she thought she was too big to carry one child...it turned out she was right. She had carried twins. _ Twins _ . Anakin would have been so elated.

Their little girl was born first, then came her brother. Leia and Luke, she named them. They were the most beautiful children she had ever seen.

Her final thoughts were of them and their father, before she drifted into unconsciousness again.

* * *

Padmé woke up again.

She was alone this time, still in her medical gown as she felt the exhaustion hit her again. She stared up into the ceiling, blinking slowly. _ What happened? _

As soon as Padmé finished the question, she had become suddenly overwhelmed. She had remembered everything, and everything had changed so much. There was so much guilt; so much sadness and she could not bear it.

Padmé broke down into tears once more. This time she was inconsolable. No droid, no friends, no newborn children could bring her back. What was once a joyous milestone was now absolute misery.

Padmé Amidala was broken.

* * *

Her symptoms were growing worse by the second.

Padmé slept for far too long. Every time she woke up, she had extreme blows of anxiety. She did not eat. She had become paranoid, self-doubting.

Seeing the young senator like this was alarming for everyone who knew her. Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Bail Organa have never seen her in a state like this. It was heartbreaking. A woman once so happy and full of life was now depleted and changing for the worse.

* * *

Padmé thought about her children often, but felt disconnecting from them. She could not bond with them. She tried to, she really did, but she just could not.

Once upon a time, Padmé wanted a family of her own. She wanted it _ so _ bad. When she married Anakin, she had thought that it would be impossible to have her own family. Then three years into their marriage, the unthinkable happened: she became pregnant. As worried as she was, she was excited. Her dream had come true. However, like the life she had, those dreams had shattered. Her husband was dead. He was not with them. He was the missing piece, and Padmé could not bear to have it taken away from her.

Padmé wanted her husband, Luke and Leia's father, to be a part of their lives. He wasn't. She couldn't be a mother, not without him. She had changed too much. Her memory was awful; her entire personality had changed. Her children didn't deserve this. They deserved to have the happiest and most fulfilling life they could have, and she couldn't give it to them.

After her ruminations, Padmé refused to see her twins. They deserved better than her.

* * *

Arrangements were made for the children to be taken elsewhere, as Padmé was unfit to care for them.

Bail would take Leia to Alderaan. Luke would go to Tatooine to be raised by Owen and Beru Lars. Padme remembered meeting the moisture farmers all those years ago. She always liked them. She always liked Bail and his wife, Breha as well. They were all good very good people. They were all very good people who would raise her children when she was unable to.

Her children...could she call Luke and Leia her children? She knew that she was biologically their mother but...it didn't sound right. Deep down, she knew that they would always be her children and yet...they're no longer her children. They would be Luke Lars and Leia Organa. A farm boy and a princess. It suited them.

A small twitch of a smile appeared on Padmé's lips as she watched the shuttles take her children to their new homes; their new families. They would be safe. They would be loved.

That was all Padmé ever wanted. Now, she can focus on rehabilitating herself. If not for herself, then for the twins. For the Republic.


End file.
